I Don't Know Why (part 3)

I sat in the car after the phone went dead.I suppose I was praying, but mostly just being still and breathing in an attempt not to fly apart.

I turned the key. Started the car. Drove on home.

The drive home is a blur, as well as exactly what happened in the next few hours. What I do remember vividly however, is getting up early the next morning - Friday - and leaving for Houston.

It was a strange feeling, not rushing down to Houston. And I hadn't rushed to leave work either. I had tried to slow down and decide what I needed to do. Part of me felt guilty and I suppose still does about that.

My boyfriend, Joe, at the time was quite wonderful about it all. He agreed to drive me and my son in his car so that I didn't have to.

He got us both blankets from the house to wrap up in in. I know it was hot, but I was shaking nonetheless, so it was a huge comfort.

The huge Norah Jones debut album had just come out and I had it because I thought a couple of songs sounded very nice. Now one in particular will forever be the music for my mom's funeral for me, for lack of a better word.

The power of the instrumentals grabbed me first. Then the lyrics:

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand


First we listened to the song many times, then all at once I sang along. I sang with my whole self, and felt the healing.