Straight to the Beach

We drove straight to the beach...sort of. After Mom died, that which was important immediately shifted. As soon as I got home after that fateful phone call, grace made my decisions for me. There was no longer any reason to hurry, nothing to panic about. No one to save in the nick of time. So, I took my time. I did not set out to drive for hours that evening after an almost full work day, finding out that my mother had died, that an asshole had betrayed me and stuck me with the bill, then breaking it to my son, and attending a support group meeting. Instead, I decided to leave in the morning and ate dinner, went to sleep as best I could, and let my son and boyfriend do the same. We set out in Joe's car the next day. He had graciously and wisely agreed to drive. Still, I felt vulnerable. I did not know just how vulnerable until Joe - thinking he was doing me a favor - decided to take a route to Houston that I didn't normally take. He thought it would be shorter and that I would appreciate not having to think about it or make a decision. Normally, that probably would have been true. But that day, I freaked out. "Where are you going?" I demanded more than asked. I was utterly unhinged. Looking up and seeing the road not be what I expected it to look like made me feel as if my already seemingly crumbling world was now even more unrecognizable. Surprise, then terror came over Joe's face as he must have seen my own face. "Ugh, I just thought it would be faster to go this way," he stammered, trying to keep his voice even. "No! No!No! I don't know this way. We have to turn around. We have to go the way I know!" Too much out of my control, too much that I had lost, too much that I would have to learn to do without and without guidance, too much that I would have to be, so that I just needed every single thing possible to be familiar at that time. So, even though we had to drive about twenty additional miles total to get back to that route, we did. He did. Thank God. But I knew exactly where I was headed. I had to get to the beach. After that initial blip, we drove straight there. I had to sit on the sand, watch the mesmerizing power of the ocean moving predictably and unpredictably at the same time. Joe played football with Zach on the beach, and swam, and laid around so that I could have my time. I sat there in Lotus pose for three hours, meditating, breathing in the life force of the whole system.