Open Eyes

Sometimes people need to believe something so badly that, even though their perspective is skewed, they will defend their own twisted belief so vehemently that they will hurt others who call them out on their twisted perception. And sometimes just the fact that someone else has another viewpoint about a situation is enough for them to feel threatened. Sometimes people feel justified in hurting that person who calls out their faulty belief. They feel justified because they think that the fact that the other person has weaknesses and faults strengthens their own position. Sometimes they even feel justified in attacking the person who sees their skewed vision because of this. I think it's important to consider the source - all of it. And if someone has made great strides or has delved into an area and learned much about it, even if they aren't perfect, they should be given credit for what they have come to know. Of course I'm speaking of myself, here. I know that the things I share in this memoir raise awareness and help some to feel healing. I also know that it causes some to build sandbags around their levies of disbelief, and to resent me, or to have a skewed perception of me such as to think of me as stuck or even to pity me. That's o.k. I have done the same thing when I needed to in my life. I could not be where I was not. As the popular saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher appears. The fact that I have made many mistakes in my life and continue to have multiple flaws, does not erase the fact that I have learned to see many things clearly. I have learned even to overcome some flaws. I also pray that if I am not seeing clearly, that God helps me to do so. It's been nine years since my mom passed away. I have a wonderful life. I laugh loudly and often, tell raunchy jokes, cuss sometimes, pray all the time, sing daily, read voraciously, practice yoga, teach kiddos, work well with colleagues, eat healthily, don't drink or smoke. I am open to new ideas and experiences, willing to take risks, dedicated to having fun, and am hopelessly devoted to my friends. I believe that my mom had a disease called alcoholism. I believe that everyone in my family played a part, some more than others, and some are still running from the truth. I did not get here on my own and couldn't have. I have a relentless pursuit of support and recovery, thank God. I have found it for years and have devoted myself to it. It has wholly changed me. One of my high school friends and I spent some time together after not seeing each other for over twenty years. He had not known that my mom had passed away, but had remembered how much I struggled with our relationship and how angry I had been at Mom in high school. At one point he said to me, "The thing that is so remarkable to me is that you have no anger toward your mom anymore." And I don't.