Need to Write

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to even keep writing. There's some sort of powerful force in this vast expanse of grief that warns me not to go there. Do not say or write or communicate or express the things on your heart mind soul.

All was not roses and sun with Dad and me. To write about the real family dynamics when I have now lost both of my parents is more than daunting. It's terrifying.

The best I can do is to write about writing right now.

Make no mistake: I did love my father. I do love my dad. The same goes for my mom. It doesn't mean that hurtful things didn't happen. My son loves me, too. Doesn't mean I haven't hurt him. Maybe one day he'll write a blog or a book about the truth of what happened in his childhood. What I hope I have instilled in my son is a voice of his own, the ability to discern the truth in a reasonably sane manner, and to know that to speak the truth is not disrepectful or unloving. I hope if he has things he needs to say about me I can support his healing.

Part of my need - it seems like a need - to put my truth in words and to have others read it and know it and believe me is because the exact opposite happened in my childhood. I told the truth and I wasn't believed. It was an important truth. It was a truth that I needed help with, and it was brave for me to speak. I wasn't believed - not because there was any factual or logical reason to believe that i had lied - in fact I had a reputation for honesty and I still do. I wasn't believed because the truth that I told was too difficult for people to deal with, to handle, to believe themselves. So, as a child, i bore the burden alone. I was an outcast in many ways in my own family, including some members saying that I was a liar and having no more contact with them.

That's why I write my truth. Some of it may not be completely accurate or sane since it's just my point of view and I am a flawed human being just like everyone else. However, I feel confident that the great majority of my self will be revealed through my writing as truthful, trustworthy, and sane.